Calms and fears of a 38 week pregnant woman

It's official.

I'm really pregnant.

Like nine months pregnant.

As I type, our due date is two weeks away.

And I'm occasionally freaking out.

Or maybe it's perpetually. You got to at least put up a front.

So when I started typing this post and the title said 36, I was in a bit of a place. Like feeling that our lives were going to be over when the baby arrives. Not in a "this is the worst thing that could ever happen" sort of way. That's crazy. This is a baby! Yay, babies! But in a "holy crap, I'm coming to terms with how dramatically my life is about to change" sort of way. Totally different sentiments, right? But I've hung out with some new mamas lately. And they are okay! Like they're still people and stuff. Is life about to be way different? Yes. Over? No.

This entire pregnancy I've struggled with actually realizing that I'm pregnant. I know pregnant = baby. Of course, that's what we set out to do. But really where my brain has been is pregnant = belly. It's how people know to ask, "How far along are you?" and "Do you know what you're having?" When I see a pregnant woman, I notice her pregnant belly. I'm not picturing an upside down baby living inside her body. And despite the very present motion happening inside me, I still can't wrap my brain around the fact that there's a human being inside my body. So, I'm sitting here with a belly that rests on my lap. 'Cause I'm pregnant. And apparently, that means there's a nearly 6.5 pound person living, breathing and resting head-down right here with me. This of course makes me wish I constantly had a womb with a view, a la the far-too-fleeting moments of getting to see our little one on the ultrasound screen. Such a precious window to grasping the life within me! I seriously could have watched all day.

So isn't it pretty late in the game to be still floundering around in reality of it all? I say yes. So I fear that I'm dreadfully unprepared for what's about to happen. Logistically is one thing. Sleeping arrangements, where the diapers are going to live, etc. But that's just stuff. It's the mental/emotional readiness I'm hoping will quickly appear or make itself known. Maybe that dawns when little one arrives. Or maybe it already is happening and I'm just lacking confidence because the 4.5 year gap leaves being-a-mom-to-an-infant feeling like a foreign and far ago thing. Like uncharted territory. But I'm sure it will all seem familiar when I get there.

Right?

Monument shot was at 36 weeks. Here it's the 38 week belly, out for a perfect night of tapas, flamenco and real conversation with some of my encouraging and amazing mamas - Julie (12 week baby girl), Julie (32 week mama), Tiff (4 month baby girl) and Anita (18 week mama). Naw, there's nothing in the water. It's just Jesus.